dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
