just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
