Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
