last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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