if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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