Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
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I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
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Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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