Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
