so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
