I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
one might say we're banned from that church
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
