If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
