I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize