community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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