I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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