then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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