I am spending my child support on dildos
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
