she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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