He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
