What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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