hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
