im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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