I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
