I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
