Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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