She is in my trunk
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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