i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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