My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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