3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
