Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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