I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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