You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
