Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
