She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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