i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
