Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
