I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
