Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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