Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
