There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
