yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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