gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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