Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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