So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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