Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
