Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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