Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
