4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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