he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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