True but thats because hes a fetus.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
