The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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