The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
