I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
