when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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