Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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