i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
