4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
