I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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