im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
