To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
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Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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