I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
