Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
