U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
